I am going to share some tips to make your relationship better. Please realize I am taking one for the team when I write this. Fellas, you owe me. I’m about to give you some killer relationship advice you won’t find in any book. You can thank me now, because this article is going to increase your happiness tenfold. I will teach you tried and true methods to earn maximum happiness for the minimal effort. Here they are:
ANALYZE THE ARGUMENT
You can be right, or you can be happy. You can’t be both. It doesn’t work that way. God gave us the power to compartmentalize our thoughts for a reason. To avoid death. If you feel an argument coming on, you must compose yourself. Step back and analyze the argument. How important is this to me? Do I really care that much? Did she spend some money? How much was it? Is it worth being miserable over? Ask yourself these questions. Why would you unleash the three headed dragon of Hades because she spent $20 on some face cream? Does she want to do some lame activity you have no interest in? How much of your time will it take up? Run the numbers. Take the ability God gave us to compile sports statistics in our head and use it to your advantage. If she wants a $50k car, it is probably worth your time to pursue that argument. Is it a one week time commitment or is it twenty minutes? Choose your battles!
THE ILLUSION OF CARING
Only bamfs need apply here because it takes a particular set of Liam Neeson relationship skills. I’ll share one rookie maneuver and then you’re on your own. I’m not giving all of the secrets away. Now, go to Amazon and browse the relationship books. You want to find the one with the highest rating to lowest price ratio. Order it, and leave the screen up on the laptop where she’ll see it. Immediate brownie points. You’re not done yet, it’s only the beginning. When your book comes you will need a small pack of colored post-its. Go through the book at some point when she’s not around and put the post-its on pages so they stick out the side. If you’re really good you’ll put little notes on them that correspond to the page. Leave it out so she sees it. It will look like you’ve read the damn thing five times and could ace a test. Next you’ll want to go through and memorize a few key points. Choose carefully as these need to be easy to bring up in conversation. I.e. “There is no scoreboard”, “I hear what you’re saying, and I understand your point of view”. Notice I said nothing about actually reading the book. This entire process should take you no more than 30 minutes at the most. It will earn you a large amount of goodwill for minimal effort. That’s the goal.
This is the key to ultimate gift giving. Sure it sounds lame, but you want to be happy right? Other guys might give you crap, but they’re living it up miserable style in a house of pain and torture. Meanwhile, your old lady is fetching you beers for the game because you paid attention for five minutes. Worth it! It’s like poker, you’re out to learn her tells. Figure out which reactions mean she really wants something. You’re already at the damn mall, might as well get some valuable intelligence. Once you have seen her get excited about a few items, log them in the memory bank. You don’t buy it right away, that is for amateurs. Remembering something a year later increases your happiness by a factor of ten. This has been tested empirically and found to be true. Once again, you’re going for the best gift that has the lowest cost. It’s common sense. When you give it to her point it out and remember details about the day. “I saw how much your eyes lit up in <store name> when you saw it, and I had to get it for you. It was the day we went and did <some activity>.” It will mean more than the gift itself. This is relationship gold. It’ll probably earn you at least five guys nights and three happy hours.
EVERYTHING IS AN INVESTMENT
If you buy a $350 Coach purse and complain about it, you’re only hurting yourself. Don’t see it as a ridiculously stupid piece of expensive leather with a ‘C’ on it. Even if that’s what you think. Even if that’s what any “rational” human being would think. Look at how much value that $350 gets you. You’re not buying shoes, or a purse, you’re buying happiness clown. If you whine about spending the money the whole time, you still have to buy it. Why not get something out of the deal? It’s economics 101. Diamonds are usually a bad investment, but sometimes they’re necessary. When they’re not, find other things you’ve seen her eye balling. Sterling silver and gemstones are your friends. Don’t buy a fake diamond, that just makes you look cheap. Like you’re trying to get out of spending money on the real deal. But blue topaz and rubies are cheap. Gemstone with “small” diamonds around them are good things, use them. Great dollar/value ratio. Match it to a dress or some kind of clothing she has. Even better. A cheap gift with the illusion that you put thought into it is worth far more than a very expensive gift. Trust me.
This search engine can be a huge asset to you. If you like living like a king. Think about anything a guy usually does, and do the opposite. Because most of us are stupid. Most guys get lame gifts or forget anniversaries. There are free apps and calendars on smart phones these days. You need a helmet on your head at all times if you forget an important date. Google the crap out of everything. I once spent thirty seconds on Google to find out the first anniversary is ‘cotton’. I would have never known this. I made sure to point it out after I gave her a monogrammed robe that I ordered online. Didn’t matter what the price of the gift was, she was just impressed I took the time. THIRTY SECONDS! Why would you not do that? I didn’t have to go to the mall, and I spent a whole two minutes to research and order. The biggest time consumer was finding a card and writing in it. Speaking of cards, take an extra two minutes and pick out a good one. She doesn’t want a Star Wars card unless she’s just damn cool and a nerd. Most girls want something mushy they can relate to your particular situation. Don’t be a clown, it can ruin the whole thing. If you can’t find the right card, get the best you can find and write something really good. It’s not that hard. You don’t jeopardize a high dollar gift with a crap card, why would you do that?
By now you probably think I’m a mad genius or an idiotic lunatic. I don’t mean put on an apron and bake a casserole. Pull your head out. Leverage everything to your advantage. Why would you not cook dinner? The grill is your best friend. You can eat steaks like a boss all the time if you are the one grilling them and she doesn’t have to cook. Better yet, you are outside. There’s no listening to work stories and gossip if you are out on the patio cooking dinner. Duh! You can also drink beer while you cook. It’s pretty much common knowledge that if you’re cooking on the grill it’s acceptable to drink beer. You can’t do that if you’re inside while she’s cooking listening to how “x” person did this and everybody is mad at “y” person. Or how so and so on Grey’s anatomy did whatever. If you’re not paying attention to that your ass is in trouble for not caring. If you find yourself in this predicament, imagine me and my bud light tallboy grilling ribeyes on the patio. Who has the better deal? GO COOK DINNER MAN STYLE!
STOP BEING A LITTLE GIRL AND CHANGE A DIAPER
Frankly, you should be doing this anyway if you’re a real man. But even if you aren’t, you should still do it. Guys who get up in the night and change diapers get praise. Not to mention nothing is more manly that being a good father. But if you’re a piece of crap and need to fake it, then fake it. Dead beat dad status is the worst title you can achieve next to a woman beater. Actually, they’re about the same. Basically, don’t make her do all the work. She has enough post pregnancy chemicals firing and there are too many knives in the house to play around. Don’t be dumb and tread carefully. Even the smallest lady can crush your skull with her bare hands after having a child. It’s science.
BE THE BEST HUSBAND OUT OF HER COWORKERS AND FRIENDS
Chicks run in gaggles and they like to brag on their man. Nothing will get you waterboarded like a terrorist at Gitmo faster than being the worst husband in the group. You’re wanting to have the title of the best with the minimal effort. It’s like trying to get a 90 when you need an A. The 100 isn’t necessary, but get the 90, it looks good on the transcript. If you have the day off I know you long to sit around and be king of the castle by yourself, not doing a damn thing. But you need to ask if they want you to bring them anything. If you’re lucky they say no, and you still get the points for asking. But if they want you to run by Starbucks and get coffee do it. It makes you look good. One hour out of your day off for six hours of happiness when she gets home is a good investment.
Obviously, some of this is in jest and you really should care, but it doesn’t hurt to use things to your advantage. Well, I gave you the information. Do with it what you will. You can call me whatever name you want and I don’t care. I don’t come home to you everyday. If you want to live in misery just to say you’re “manly” then by all means have at it. You’re going to find out sooner or later that this dude knew what he was talking about. I hope at least something here helps you out. Keep fighting the good fight and feel free to share this, it will make the world a happier place.