Everybody does things every day that you could never get them to confess. But you can’t lie to yourself. You can’t lie to me. You know you do them. Everyone has done at least one of the following in their lifetime:
Pretend Like You Didn’t Get A Text
You know you’ve gotten a text that you didn’t want to respond to. So you just pretend like it never happened. You may even delete it so you won’t remember it. Then when asked you say, “Oh, I didn’t get it, my phone has been acting up lately.” Usually it’s a request to do a favor for someone or contains information you don’t want to know.
Get Excited About Severe Thunderstorms
Maybe it’s just an Oklahoma thing, but I doubt it. You know when the weatherman says there will be severe thunderstorms you get more excited than a six year old on Christmas Eve. Tornado warning? Even better. You go out on the front porch and watch it go right over your head.
Set Multiple Alarms On Your Phone
Don’t lie, you know you have 10 alarms set on your phone 10 minutes apart that you fully intend on sleeping through. Then you have one that is set for the absolute latest you can get up and one more thirty minutes after that as an emergency late alarm.
Cup Your Hands In The Shower, Let Them Fill With Water, And Destroy The Bubbles On The Wall
There’s something about soap bubbles on the shower wall and floor that just doesn’t sit well with you. It’s like if you leave any of them, they will multiply and take over your bathroom. They must be bombarded with huge volumes of water to ensure they are eradicated properly. Plus it is just fun.
Pretend You Don’t See Someone Coming For The Elevator And Let It Shut On Them
You’re in too big of a hurry to wait for someone you see heading for the elevator. You act like you don’t see them until the doors are closing and pretend to hit the open button unsuccessfully. Hey you tried right? No you didn’t.
Vacuum Over A String For Five Minutes
You run over it fifty times and the damn thing doesn’t get picked up by the vacuum. Then you pick it up and throw it back down in a different spot next to where it was and repeat the process while cursing at it repeatedly.
Spin And Tuck The Bread Instead Of Using A Twisty Tie
It’s just too much effort to use a twisty tie. So after you’ve made your glorious double decker sandwich you spin the bread and tuck the wrapper underneath. It’s an art form.
Click A Link Repeatedly When It Won’t Open
We’ve all been searching the interwebz at one point or another and the page freezes when you click on a link. Instead of being good little patient people, we click the link repeatedly and with increasing force while getting irritated. Once you’re convinced it’s not going to load you hold down ctrl + alt and start pounding away on the delete button until you have to manually shut down the computer by holding the power button.
Get Irritated By Fat People
What is it about fat people that amplifies your anger? I don’t know, but it’s true. If a fat person cuts you off in traffic it makes you twice as mad. Fat person at the grocery store? Forget about it. Especially if they are in a motorized cart. Being fat immediately lowers your perceived iq by 30 points. It’s a law of nature.
Do you ever not know what’s wrong with you when you go to the doctor? Of course not, because you have a degree in searching WebMD. What you have is definitely not a common cold, but is one of the rarest diseases on the planet. You Googled your symptoms, you are right and the doctor is just trying to get your money and get you out of his office. You will most likely die because he/she didn’t take your suggestions seriously.
Try To Move Things With Your Mind
You know you’ve sat there and tried to use the force. It’s never worked in the history of the world, but it just might this one time. You will make that glass of water tip over with your telekinetic powers. It is possible.
Used The Little Bathroom Key To Bust In On A Sibling
Seldom is there a happier day than when you are finally tall enough to reach the little bathroom key above the door frame. It opens up a world of pranking possibilities. Brother in the shower? He better watch his six from now on because he’s asking to have ice water dumped on him. Comedy gold.
Rip Apart Your House Looking For Keys That Are Sitting On The Table
We’ve all been there. Where the F*** are my keys? It’s always when you’re late for work too. You are like a bull charging through the house checking the freezer, the attic, under the bed, overturning bookshelves, cutting mattresses open, etc. Then you’re twice as pissed when they’re sitting right in front of your stupid face.
Screaming At Objects Or Pets That You Step On
Thank the lord some toys aren’t living creatures, because you know you’ve called them every name in the book. Especially if they make noise. Nothing like stepping on the dog and going to a knee while they let out screams of death. Stupid asses, why are they sleeping where you walk at 2 a.m.? Not your fault, next time they’ll move!
Pee In The Shower
Nothing wrong with a little multitasking. If you haven’t done this at least once in your life you are living in denial. Sometimes there just isn’t time to use a toilet. Desperate situations call for desperate measures. Disclaimer: I do not do this now that I am married.
Look Up Something On Wikipedia And Pretend To Be An Expert
You know you’ve engaged in Facebook debates that were fights to the death. When you need to sound like an expert quick, Wikipedia is the only place to go. Nothing like a crash course in Native American History, or the formation of Atolls in the Pacific.
Change The Facts Of A Story To Make It Funnier Or More Interesting
Pretty self explanatory, and you’ve done it. You can’t lie to me. Sometimes things need spiced up a bit for extra “likes” on social media.
Google Song Lyrics
Such a great tune, what the hell were they singing about? Some singers just can’t be understood. Nothing like what you think is an upbeat song that turns out to be about death and misery.
Thinking Of The Funniest Things In The World At The Most Inappropriate Time
Ever been at a funeral or sitting in an important business meeting and you think of the funniest damn joke or something someone said? Something that makes you giggle for days every time you think about it? You sit there looking like an epileptic trying to hold a sneeze in during the eulogy. It’s brutal, but it’s a reality.
Accidentally Fart While You’re Eating
Nothing spoils an appetite faster, or just makes you walk ten steps away to finish your meal. They’re always the rankest stomach creations in history too. Dry heaving over a ribeye? You only have yourself to blame. Have some self control.
Get Paranoid Sneaking Candy Into A Movie
It’s like you’ve just committed a murder and the teenage ticket taker is an FBI agent (because once you cross the ticket barrier it’s a federal crime). It will have your stomach in knots. Felony candy sneaking. That’s the charges you’re up against. Better not get caught.
Let The Microwave Count Down As Low As Possible And Then Open The Door Right Before The Timer Goes Off
Nothing makes you feel like you’re Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker more than nuking a burrito. If the timer goes off you’re all dead. You’re an elite bomb squad member and people’s lives depend on you.
I’m sure there are hundreds more of these little gems I’ll think of later. But this should give you some good laughs, or help you lose hope in humanity. Or maybe I’m the only one who does these things? Or maybe I’m trying to trick you into admitting something? You’ll never know.