Everybody always talks about getting rich. There are all kinds of books, seminars, webinars, blah blah blah. They tell you the same things over and over. Work hard, be good with money, network, have great ideas, <insert common sense>. Well I started thinking, “There has to be at least a few cool things about being poor. I mean, who has ever made a pro/con list that didn’t have any “pros” at all on it? Maybe if Hitler was on a ballot?” So here are five things I thought are cool about being poor:
5. YOU GET TO COMPLAIN ABOUT RICH PEOPLE
Don’t you get all high and mighty on me. Democrats have this topic on lockdown, but only because third generation poor Republicans don’t say it in public. There is nothing better than sitting back and bashing the 1% over a six pack of the beast, am I right? I mean you can pretty much get away with saying anything about them, and if they retaliate they are lambasted publicly. If they would pay you more, you could be rich too. You definitely know how to spend their money better than they ever could. They cheat the system and are born two steps ahead of everyone. The best times are talking about the hypothetical businesses you could have built if your parents had handed you a million dollars of start up money. They don’t know anything about working hard, they just sit around swimming in their ill gotten gains like Scrooge McDuck. That is entertainment gold for a Saturday night eating Kraft mac n cheese in your 1,000 sq ft house that you rent from a rich person.
4. GETTING PAID TO GO TO COLLEGE
If you know what a Pell Grant is then you know what I’m talking about. If you think being crushed by an angry mob on Black Friday is bad you just go to any college campus the day financial aid checks come in. It’s like the running of the T-Rex’s. I mean, why would you only borrow or take grants for just enough to cover your tuition and books? That would be plain silly. Then you wouldn’t be rich for a week after getting a check that’s double your actual costs. You can throw the greatest parties on earth, buy good beer, replace your dumpster mattress with a kick ass futon, upgrade your gaming console, definitely not invest in anything, and buy a grocery cart full of steaks to cook on your brand new grill. If a study on this existed, it would definitely show a correlation between financial aid checks and 12 day black out benders that must be reconstructed through photographic evidence. Greatest times of your life that you’ll pay for in perpetuity.
3. NOBODY EXPECTS GIFTS FROM YOU
Oh boy, now we’re getting to the good stuff. There is nothing like the spoils of war when you’re poor at Christmas time. You don’t have to buy gifts for anyone and you simultaneously get to rake in the pity gifts. Parents and relatives slipping you extra cash when nobody is looking because they know you’re “struggling”. That’ll buy a couple of Blu-rays. You get the most leftovers after the big meal because everyone wants to make sure you are able to eat. Valentine’s Day? Cakewalk if you have a girlfriend. You can get away with just writing a note, as long as you’re smooth about it. Just write something good on it like, “your love is more valuable than all the money in the world”. No restaurant, no flowers, no expensive jewelry or purses, but your love will last an eternity. Birthdays? Golden. You can skate without bringing a gift, especially at big birthdays where you will draw less attention to yourself. Plus you will usually get a meal, or at least some cake. If you happen to score big, there is beer there. You just have to stay one step less drunk than the drunkest person at the party. To avoid embarrassing yourself and being called out as a mooch.
2. IT MAKES BLACK FRIDAY TEN TIMES MORE EXCITING
What is more exciting than knowing this is the only day you can possibly afford something? You spend weeks doing recon and preparing for battle. It happens to fall on a holiday break, so you are already loaded with food and have freed up some extra cash or cash equivalents on your balance sheet (come on, it’s an accounting blog). Then there’s the chase. If you have plenty of money and are just bargain hunting, sure it’s a rush, but if grandma has her hand on the cheap toaster oven first you’re going to let her take it. You’re not a monster. But if it’s your only shot at a toaster oven that year. Well, grandma is getting laid out with a clothesline, trampled ferociously, and trash talked worse than Billy Hoyle hurling insults at Flight and Willie. There are no rules when it’s all on the line. You’re either the guys in the skeleton costumes, or the weakling wearing a shower to a dance (what?). Little kids in the way? Rip technique. Shouldn’t be out shopping anyway. This is war and it’s more brutal than the Hunger Games. Then you get to go home and bask in the glory of all your new possessions at half the cost right before a glorious four hour nap on that new futon. It’s a beautiful day/night/morning.
And the number 1 thing coolest about being poor is…
1. YOU GET THE GREATEST CHEESE IN THE UNIVERSE
Yes, I said universe. Advanced alien civilizations in galaxies 10 light years away don’t know a damn thing about what they’re missing. If they did they’d be cultivating the necessary wormhole technology to come ransack our planet. This stuff is more valuable than rare Italian truffles sitting on an 18 oz filet of Kobe beef. It literally makes Velveeta taste like the cargo Goose and Maverick are threatened to fly out of Hong Kong as punishment. I mean, if you’ve never had it, your life is not complete. It makes the sun shine brighter, colors become more vivid, your Black Friday television comes on faster, other food tastes ten times better, Justin Beiber stops playing on the radio, Cubs win a World Series, people at Walmart seem more intelligent, and the list goes on. If you make the classic Rotel dip with it, you will surely perish from excessive jubilation. Rich people don’t know anything about this. It’s better than Earned Income Credit in February. Literally, all of that.
So you see, being poor isn’t 100% terrible. There are a few gems in the mountain of cow manure.
I must say that this post is in no way meant as a reason to be poor. Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with being rich, or working hard to become wealthy. Just think of it as a way to laugh about your situation. Some of the happiest people I’ve known are not wealthy at all. As always thank you for reading! Until next time…