How To Politely Insult People

This is one of the greatest skills that has been handed down to the generations.  Everyone has friends or acquaintances that need to be put in their place, but the relationship is important enough you don’t want to scream “HEY JACKSLAP, SHUT YOUR FLAPHOLE!”  So, an art form came about starting in the days of the earliest cavemen, where they would drop giant boulders directly next to their colleague’s head.  Or draw dirty funny pictures of them on the cave wall.  Or rip off their loin cloth in front of the tribal beauty.  So as not to kill them, but let them to know they needed to zip it or be fed to a woolly mammoth.  It has since evolved through the ages.  I mean, sometimes people just need to be told they’re stupid.  It’s the way of the world.  So, here are some ways to politely insult someone:

Use A Smiley Or A JK

Yes, this only works via written communication but it’s always a classic.  You can say, “You are literally dumber than Corky from Life Goes On.  Let me grab you a helmet before you go out in public.  :).”  The smiley face makes it ok.  Or “Hey fatchops, have another ice cream cone you big floppy disk! hah! jk bro.”  These are a replacement for using the old school method of prefacing your statement with “With all due respect…”  That’s so 1995.  If they get upset anyway, you can say, “Hey dude, I used a smiley, what’s the big deal?  It makes it ok.”  If they’re still upset tell them to stop being a sissface and sack up.  This is the real world.

Straw Man

These are classic, make a ridiculous statement to make their statement sound absurd.  Timeless.  Like when some snooty stuck up goody two shoes cries about the legalization of marijuana.  Then you reply, “Yeah, what a shitty place to live, where everybody is happy and nice, and creates jobs for junk food manufacturers.  Creates world renown art and music. Cartels lose business.  Absolutely horrific, like reliving Sodom and Gomorrah.”  “Oh yeah, maybe after we go shopping at the mall I can go attach my limbs to horses and scream FREEDOM William Wallace style.  Sounds like a blast!”  “So stoked for the new Nicholas Sparks film, maybe right before you can take a taser to my gooch for half an hour.  It’ll be electrifying!”  “You ordered a salad for lunch, cool man.  Maybe later you’d like to go get mani/pedi’s, drink wine coolers, plug in a scentsy, and have a wrap party!  Or a nice cab sav in a hot tub with your bff’s?”  “I hope they don’t let gay people get married, before you know it they’ll try to be teaching my kids male T-Rex’s used to do it with each other, people will be able to hump live animals on Nickelodeon, leather chapless ass parades will fill every small town street, and Patrick will admit his masturbatory fantasies for Sponge Bob.  It’ll be anarchy!” It’s the small things in life.

Sarcasm Sarcasm Sarcasm

Oh, these are the best.  Nothing like telling someone at work, “Wow, I admire your hard work and determination, thank you so much for being an inspiration.  You can make any simple task look so difficult, and yet you always find a way to complete it on time without complaining.” “Man, I’m so glad you introduced me to turkey bacon.  You’re right, it is better than the real thing!  <fart>” Unfortunately, most of the time your target is such a dolt the context flies over their head faster than Maverick buzzing the tower.  But usually those around you catch on and have a good chuckle.  It’s a win.

The Redirect

Very similar to other techniques, but this one is done with short one liners.  Back-handed compliments if you will.  Like, “Hey, you don’t sweat much for being so huge.”  “Wow, I can barely see that massive gap in your teeth, the dentist did a fine job.”  “Man, usually I can smell you in the other room when you go to the bathroom, well done.” “You’re a lot smarter than I thought you were.”  “Can’t believe you said something that hilarious.”  “Hey, you want this shirt? It’s way too big for me.” “I wish I had the confidence to wear that.”  “You’re so lucky you don’t have to worry about paying bills.”  “It’s so refreshing to meet someone who doesn’t care about their appearance.”  These are always self-pleasing.  They’ll keep you giggling all day long.

As you can see, these are not all separate and many of them overlap.  They are fantastic though, but practice before using them.  Don’t look like a tool, or you may have a few thrown back in your face.  Now I can’t go on giving away all of my tricks.  I may have used one or two on you.  These are the finer things in life, that make it enjoyable. Outside of family and your children of course.  Unfortunately, this world requires interacting with others, and sometimes those others happen to be buffoons.  Make it fun, or you will suffer.  Trust me.  But if you had some good laughs and would like many more, feel free to like the Facebook page and share the good times with your friends.

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One thought on “How To Politely Insult People

  1. Eskimo Jones says:

    Bahaha hahaha hahaha

    Liked by 1 person

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